There is no easy way to say this...

Eight words that never lead to anything good.  That was how the conversation started on July 29, 2013, with my daughter's attorney.  I stood at the glass patio door, staring through my reflection as the voice on the other end of the phone ended my world.  Those eight words took away the hope I had been clinging to for the past three years.  That one day my Bubba would call as she had in the past "Just to say hello".   You see this was not the first time her illness had taken her from me.   Once before she had needed "space", I did not hear from her for three years that time.  In that period of time she graduated from college with two degrees (Cum Laude), was embarking on her new career, and was in love... she just wanted to "let me know".   Such was the roller coaster of Ann Marie, my Bubba.   This time, in the three years since I had last seen her, she had gotten married, moved back to Philadelphia, and started advocating for the rights of the LBGT community. She too had started the process to go back to school to get her masters in Social Work (NOT Social Work!!!).  Having been in the social work field my entire career I did not want my daughter to struggle financially as I had, but you do what God calls you to do.  Bubba felt called to help children who too struggled as she had.

There is no easy way to say this...  I listened but already knew what this young lady was going to say, a mother's heart knows.   I continued to stare through my reflection all too aware of the time, thinking how ironic it was.  7:05 pm is the time of day my world ended - 7:20 pm is the time of day it began.   7:20 pm is the time that God gave me this amazing gift, the greatest gift, other than his son, he had or would ever give me.  She made me whole in a way I never thought possible, now that was all gone in 8 little words.  

Ann Marie began her struggle with mental health at the very, very tender age of 9.  That day too stands out in my memory.  An auto accident that forever changed our world.  On October 2, 1992, at 4:45 pm, we were struck from behind by a 17yr old young man reading the jacket of a CD - long before texting.  Then began the roller coaster ride of treatment, hospitalizations, suicide attempts.  My Bubba attempted to take her life for the first time when she was just 10yrs old, my heart broke.  She cried that nobody wanted her.  I did but that was not enough, I cried.  Little did I know this was just the tip of the iceberg and the beginning of her many attempts.

Despite her struggles, my daughter shone like the brilliant star she was, a star athlete in many sports and a state champion shot putter. Bubba could sing like no one else, 5' 11" tall singing Dixie Chicks in front of her school at every opportunity.  The third season of American Idol, we waited in pouring rain for two days and nights in the Cleveland Browns Stadium.  Only to have her sing the classic Dixie Chicks standard "Earls Got to Die", then we went home.  You would have never known the demons that chased her, constantly causing her to doubt herself and the love others had for her.  Never feeling quite good enough.  Never understanding why her father did not want to be a part of her life, she blamed herself.  The kindness she demonstrated toward others made her someone others reached out to, this only added to her burden and her depression. 

My Bubba's portrait to the world was that of happy go lucky, effervescent joy and humor.  So often this is the portrayal of those that suffer from mental illness.  She didn't want to be different; she didn't want people to know the doubt she really had.  She didn't understand that we ALL have those doubts, especially during adolescence.  The difference was Bubba never could get past those doubts; they clung to her like Marley's chains weighing her down, drowning her in the abyss of depression and self-hate.  She never saw the beautiful gift she was, this amazing gift from God. 

On September 19, 2015, I will embark on a 100-mile bike ride in Washington County MD.   This ride will not only be in remembrance of my beloved Bubba but also to raise awareness of the devastating effects suicide has on the loved ones of its victims.  I do not want one more mother to hear "There is no easy way to say this" again.   Won't you please help us to move toward a "World Without Suicide" and donate to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention - "A Ride to Remember".   My wonderful daughter took her life just two years ago.  On September 21, 2015, she would have been 31yrs young.  Too young to not be with me anymore.  Please, won't you help...

Take the time right now to donate.  Even if you can only donate $5.00, every little bit helps.  If you are a member of any social media sites, please share.  If only 5 of your friends donate $5.00, and they share it with 5 people and they give $5.00, and they share it with 5 people... You see how this is going.  Do you have five friends who could help?  Do you have $5.00?

There is no easy way to say this…

Thank you and May God Continue to Bless You. 

Linda L. Bell-Cardwell, Ann Marie’s mom.